her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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