If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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