i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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