it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
