Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
