I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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