Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
