you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
