Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
