you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
