the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
