I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
