Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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