i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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