i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
