He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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