I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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