Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
