Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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