Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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