Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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