FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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