You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
