Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
