I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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