Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
