We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
