I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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