I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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