he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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