I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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