He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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