There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
