i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Even my vagina gasped.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
