Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
