I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
