saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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