sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
