Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
