Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
