I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I wish you could order shots online.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
