The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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