You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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