see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
