Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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