You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
