i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
