remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
