i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
