MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I checked into jail on foursquare
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
